Little Italian Man's Blog


The Holy Grail

I’ve discovered the holy grail of Chinese to English translations, in the form of an instruction manual for the Beautiful Star Innovative Hair Straightener, which is a real product manufactured in China. The entire manual is displayed for you below, in its pure, unmanipulated and undoctored state. From what I’ve read about mind-altering drugs, this manual may be the closest thing to achieving such a state without actually taking them.
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As you will see, punctuation, capitalization and spaces between words are entirely optional and may be sprinkled into the text to taste.
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The same holds true for breaks between words.
Just remember that to raise the temperature, press the Temperature rising key, and to lower the temperature simply press the Minus tempe rature.
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If anyone knows what more than three of these sentences mean, please contact me for your prize. Note that when one’s hair is thin it gets to choose its own temperature setting all by itself.
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I had mixed emotions about this page. On one hand, I appreciate the lofty philosophical goals of #5, but in #4 (which comes after #7) I was upset that I can’t use both hands to pull my hair tail. I was also distracted by recommendation #6, which feels like a very short poem abut too much hair.
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Do not use this product to beat or fall. They make a whole other product just for that.
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In a bizarre revelation, the first sentence implies that this product owes its very existence to the need to clean up other hair care products.
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In this glorious page, the appliance warranty takes the form of a letter addressed to the appliance itself. Reading onward one discovers an unfortunate man named Daniel who has been charged with the task of repairing every one of the defective products by himself. Further reading finds talk of scars, wars and something fantastical called ‘force majeure’. Well done. Bravo
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Lastly, the advantages of the hair straightener. Note how they’ve arbitrarily switched from using numbers to spelling the numbers out. My favorite is number four.
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Since reading this instruction manual I’ve purchased an entire box of Innovative Hair Straighteners and I suggest you do the same. I want to see this company grow and thrive. How else can we ever hope to see the instruction manual for the Beautiful Star luxury sport utility vehicle one day.
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