I just returned home from a trip and thought I’d share the safety pamphlet from the airplane I was on:
If you’ve recently woken from a coma which you’ve been in since 1995, you are prohibited from using such ubiquitous electronic devices as a portable TV, a big yellow AM/FM radio, a bulky cell phone with permanently extended antenna and a pager.
In the event of an emergency, be sure to console your daughter, who is sobbing uncontrollably because you made her wear an awful powder-blue dress with puffy sleeves and Mary-Jane shoes.
Try not to disturb people on the plane who are committing ungodly acts upon themselves.
In the absence of a razor, your may use your baby’s head to shave your armpits.
Your flabby, aerobically unfit, gynecomastic slug of a son will most likely need oxygen wether or not there is a sudden drop in cabin pressure.
In the event of an external hazard, do not open the airplane door. Instead, summon the black-faced demon man, who will shoot laserbeams from its eyes to neutralize the danger.
In the event of an emergency landing, try to stay around and help others, unlike the selfish woman in the bottom left corner who hightailed it out of there without thinking of others.
In the event of a water landing, a common rule of thumb is that the happier you look, the quicker you’ll be rescued. This woman has been floating in the ocean for eight days now.
In an emergency, place your baby in a life jacket, then grab onto one of the straps and spin him like a top.
Inflate his life jacket until it’s so tight he starts to tremble.
Then drop him in the ocean alone in the dark and watch him slowly drift away as he dreams of bright yellow lightbulbs.
I hope you found this to be informative. Next time you fly, follow these instructions exactly as I’ve laid them out to ensure a safe and enjoyable travel experience.
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