I think there was more garlic than I thought in the dinner ...

Little Italian Man

Oct 2015


The Holy Grail

I’ve discovered the holy grail of Chinese to English translations, in the form of an instruction manual for the Beautiful Star Innovative Hair Straightener, which is a real product manufactured in China. The entire manual is displayed for you below, in its pure, unmanipulated and undoctored state. From what I’ve read about mind-altering drugs, this manual may be the closest thing to achieving such a state without actually taking them.
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As you will see, punctuation, capitalization and spaces between words are entirely optional and may be sprinkled into the text to taste.
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The same holds true for breaks between words.
Just remember that to raise the temperature, press the Temperature rising key, and to lower the temperature simply press the Minus tempe rature.
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If anyone knows what more than three of these sentences mean, please contact me for your prize. Note that when one’s hair is thin it gets to choose its own temperature setting all by itself.
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I had mixed emotions about this page. On one hand, I appreciate the lofty philosophical goals of #5, but in #4 (which comes after #7) I was upset that I can’t use both hands to pull my hair tail. I was also distracted by recommendation #6, which feels like a very short poem abut too much hair.
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Do not use this product to beat or fall. They make a whole other product just for that.
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In a bizarre revelation, the first sentence implies that this product owes its very existence to the need to clean up other hair care products.
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In this glorious page, the appliance warranty takes the form of a letter addressed to the appliance itself. Reading onward one discovers an unfortunate man named Daniel who has been charged with the task of repairing every one of the defective products by himself. Further reading finds talk of scars, wars and something fantastical called ‘force majeure’. Well done. Bravo
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Lastly, the advantages of the hair straightener. Note how they’ve arbitrarily switched from using numbers to spelling the numbers out. My favorite is number four.
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Since reading this instruction manual I’ve purchased an entire box of Innovative Hair Straighteners and I suggest you do the same. I want to see this company grow and thrive. How else can we ever hope to see the instruction manual for the Beautiful Star luxury sport utility vehicle one day.
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Airplane Safety

I just returned home from a trip and thought I’d share the safety pamphlet from the airplane I was on:
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If you’ve recently woken from a coma which you’ve been in since 1995, you are prohibited from using such ubiquitous electronic devices as a portable TV, a big yellow AM/FM radio, a bulky cell phone with permanently extended antenna and a pager.
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In the event of an emergency, be sure to console your daughter, who is sobbing uncontrollably because you made her wear an awful powder-blue dress with puffy sleeves and Mary-Jane shoes.
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Try not to disturb people on the plane who are committing ungodly acts upon themselves.
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In the absence of a razor, your may use your baby’s head to shave your armpits.
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Your flabby, aerobically unfit, gynecomastic slug of a son will most likely need oxygen wether or not there is a sudden drop in cabin pressure.
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In the event of an external hazard, do not open the airplane door. Instead, summon the black-faced demon man, who will shoot laserbeams from its eyes to neutralize the danger.
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In the event of an emergency landing, try to stay around and help others, unlike the selfish woman in the bottom left corner who hightailed it out of there without thinking of others.
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In the event of a water landing, a common rule of thumb is that the happier you look, the quicker you’ll be rescued. This woman has been floating in the ocean for eight days now.
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In an emergency, place your baby in a life jacket, then grab onto one of the straps and spin him like a top.
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Inflate his life jacket until it’s so tight he starts to tremble.
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Then drop him in the ocean alone in the dark and watch him slowly drift away as he dreams of bright yellow lightbulbs.
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I hope you found this to be informative. Next time you fly, follow these instructions exactly as I’ve laid them out to ensure a safe and enjoyable travel experience.
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Scientific Journal Of Science

The October issue of The Scientific Journal Of Science has arrived!

A brand new article is posted below!

Scientific Journal Of Science

October 2015

Original Article

In this study the author catalogues the light-hearted side-effects of crystal methamphetamine use by using himself as a test subject.